On the surface, there is nothing so unusual about Teri Miller.

The 47-year-old Queens native now lives in a one-bedroom apartment on Woodycrest Avenue. Keeping her company is “Gizmo”, a grayish poodle she has owned for about four years. Miller speaks in a fast, excited, but welcoming tone. She writes poems about topics ranging from the stress of crowded subways to the innocence of falling in love.

On her wall are two framed pictures of her 3-year-old granddaughter, Eyanna, both taken during the most recent holiday season.“She keeps me going,”Miller said. “She’s a part of me, and I’m a part of her.”

But those pictures of Eyanna were not taken at home. Rather, they were taken during a supervised visit to the New York Foundling, on E. 149th Street and 3rd Avenue.
And that is the point at which Miller’s present remains imprisoned within her past.

A Battle For Custody

 Miller has never had custody of Eyanna; her granddaughter has been in foster care since birth. For more than 30 years, Miller says, she struggled bitterly against  addictions to hard drugs such as crack cocaine, heroin, and meth.  Miller says Eyanna was placed in foster care immediately after being born. Shortly after that, in Queens Village, she encountered an acquaintance and went on an extended drug binge that ended up lasting well over a year.

Ultimately, she checked into rehab at the Seafield Center in Long Island. She says she has been clean since the fall of 2005, and proudly displays on her bedroom wall a Certificate of Achievement dated September 22, 2005, awarded for “successful completion of Seafield’s Inpatient Treatment Program, with referral to continuing care.”

And so Miller now looks to move forward. She hopes to earn her G.E.D. and get a job as a drug counselor. She has handwritten, in spiral notebooks, an autobiography entitled “The Life and Times of An Addict.”  She is now in the process of typing it, and hopes someday soon to get it published.

But most of all, Miller wants Eyanna in her life. She has filed a petition with family court to obtain full custody of her granddaughter. She has collected character letters to bring to  court, from peers in a 12-step program, as well as her from her advocate Leroy Jenkins, a case manager  at Project Samaritan in Jamaica, Queens.

Fighting for Understanding

Jenkins helps coordinate Miller’s visitations with Eyanna, communicates with her foster care agency , and helps Miller stay on top of court appointments. From observing Miller’s interaction with Eyanna, Jenkins said Eyanna’s attachment to her grandmother was evident. He also said Miller had a realistic grasp of the challenges involved in raising a child and was willing to reach out for help when needed.

“Someone’s past shouldn’t necessarily be held against them,” Jenkins said. “You have to balance the past with the present. And she continues to engage in positive actions.”

But Miller remains haunted by her past in ways that extend beyond her drug history. Miller was diagnosed with HIV roughly two decades ago, and now has full-blown AIDS. Earlier this year, she says, she was hospitalized. Her weight had dropped, as had her appetite. Her legs wobbled.  “I felt myself dying,” Miller says. “Then I just came back to life.”

But the life Miller came back to was one in which she said many people she encounters are  fearful of her.  Miller said many still do not realize that AIDS cannot be transmitted by hugging, touching, or kissing. “I walk into the room, and I feel like all eyes are on me,” Miller said.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there are only a few specific ways AIDS can be transmitted: Through sexual contact; birth; sharing of syringes or needles with an infected person; blood transfusions; or if infected blood comes into contact with an open wound.  Still, Miller feels the knowledge that she has the AIDS virus is working against her in her efforts to acquire custody of Eyanna.

Miller’s caseworker at the New York Foundling, Sandra James, directed calls seeking comment to her supervisor, who said that she could not specifically discuss Miller’s case other than to say that it was ultimately the court’s decision--not hers-- if Miller got custody.

Miller also suffers from bipolar manic depressive disorder. According to the National Institutes for Mental Health, bipolar disorder—a brain disease that can result in mood swings, sudden energy bursts, depression, and difficulty focusing— affects nearly 6 million Americans.

Miller said medication has been helping her keep her manic depression under control. One of Miller’s peers at a 12-step program in Manhattan year is an actor and filmmaker who gave his name as “Divine”.  Divine, who said he had known Miller about a year,  said Miller had demonstrated an ability to speak in shorter sentences and listen more. “I see that change in her,” Divine said, “whether she’s talking to me on the phone or talking to other people or sharing at a meeting.”

Hard-To-Define Policies

ACS Press Secretary Sheila Stainback, when asked in general terms about her department’s policy,  said there were not absolute guidelines  for if—and when—an adult recovering from addiction, or suffering from AIDS or bipolar disorder, could gain custody of a child.

“A medical cause may not be the direct cause of the separation,” Stainback said in an emailed statement, indicating she was passing along information from a child protection worker.  “But depending on the seriousness/severity of the condition, the parent/caretaker may be unable to parent. There are a number of families with medical conditions who are parenting.”

Stainback also said there were some substance abusers receiving treatment who were parenting, while others were deemed unfit; the overall criteria, she said was an adult’s medical, physical, and mental capacity to parent.

“Removals are mostly due to immediate danger (abuse/neglect) and/or the parent/caretaker’s inability or unwillingness to protect the child; some are due to medical conditions of the parent/caretaker, which may not be neglect or abuse,” the statement read.

Stainback indicated that a child’s guardian, provider agency, parent’s attorney, and ACS all weighed in on custody issues before a family court judge made the ultimate decision.

A Confident Goodbye to Past; Hopeful Hello to Future

Miller and several of her friends and peers say she is a caring, loving woman ready for a new beginning and a second chance. Darlene Bowman, Miller’s sponsor at her 12-step program, said she knew many women who were fighting to stay clean in order to get custody of their children but weren’t able to do it; she felt Miller had a special kind of determination that would allow her to prevail.   “She wants a life,” Bowman said of Miller. “She wants to be happy, joyous.”

In “The Life and Times of An Addict,” Miller speaks of trying to usher in a new life by closing the book on at least a big part of her past. The autobiography closes with a bittersweet farewell letter to the addictions that have haunted her.

“The time has come,” Miller writes, “when I can say goodbye to you forever.”